We just got home from spending our Spring Break at Disneyland. It had been a trip we started planning about nine months, or so, ago. Needless to say it was long awaited for sure. We enjoyed it fully, and had a blast!!
But.....I must write about some underlying things that were on my heart while there:
Nine months, or so, ago we were planning to be traveling with an infant because we were going to have a baby. We did not know yet that Josie would not stay. This fact was like an alarm going off in my mind as we worked over the "happiest place on earth".
I was not prepared for all the babies we saw there. I knew babies would be there, but I had no idea just how many. Honestly, it was intense. And, after the first day, during my quiet time I let it all out to our Jesus about how much I felt ripped off at that moment.
To make matters a little more amplified I started my period while there. We do not want to be starting my period. We want to be having another baby. It was a little much, to say the least!! (And there is no shortage of pregnant women at Disneyland either.)
But.....alas. We truly enjoyed ourselves. And feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to have gotten away as a family and to have had such a great time. There was a lot of laughing, and fun. Just what we needed.
I don't know what God's plans are for us today or in the near future, but I choose to keep saying 'I trust you Lord. I trust you Lord.' It's not always easy, especially since I trusted Him with Josie's life as I do the lives of Aly and Gage. I know there is a bigger picture there, but it's a little like getting your finger shut in a car door. You don't WANT to do it again.......But I know He sees me. I know He sees us. I know He knows the desires of our hearts. And, I choose to trust Him.
I covet your prayers for us in this time of waiting. Prayers that no matter what He has for us, we will be content and at peace in the midst of it. His plan is best. My brain knows that, but my heart's not so sure.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Say.....what?
It has been so hard for me to write these days. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about, this process keeps moving. It's just that the process keeps playing itself out over and over so it feels hard for me to keep talking about the same feelings. They're there, and I don't think they're leaving. Doesn't seem like much to write about to me.
I'm reading a book by Jerry Sittser called "A Grace Disguised". It's about grief. Any and all grief, but also his grief. It's an older book, revised and expanded about his loss of his wife, daughter, and mother in a car accident. I like it so far, and find I identify with his findings in the midst of grief. One part in the beginning talks about a dream he had where he was running west to catch the sun. To catch its warmth and its light but being too late and being left in the dusk. From there he looks to the east seeing the darkness over his shoulder feeling that he would surely live in that darkness forever. He later tells his sister about the dream and she tells him "that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise." Isn't the the truth. A hard one, but truth all the same.
It seems in the midst of our loss there are many hard choices still to be made every day. I guess I thought our hard decision making was over after Josie's death, but I see that decisions, or rather choices, must be made daily in order to still live a joyful, vibrant life. These choices (to get out of bed and live with a purpose, for example) are so important even though they require a lot of pain, numbness, and waiting. Allowing the so called darkness to wash over me and to not be afraid of it isn't easy, but it feels productive.
My darkness isn't so dark anymore, at least no lately. I'm almost afraid to say that since grief has proven to have a mind of its own. You never know what's coming next. But, I can say that my heart is lighter and can feel the blessing of Josie more now, instead of just the heavy, sorrowful loss of her. I think I've said it before, but I'm so grateful for that. Sweet memories instead of harsh realities. I'll take it.
I'm reading a book by Jerry Sittser called "A Grace Disguised". It's about grief. Any and all grief, but also his grief. It's an older book, revised and expanded about his loss of his wife, daughter, and mother in a car accident. I like it so far, and find I identify with his findings in the midst of grief. One part in the beginning talks about a dream he had where he was running west to catch the sun. To catch its warmth and its light but being too late and being left in the dusk. From there he looks to the east seeing the darkness over his shoulder feeling that he would surely live in that darkness forever. He later tells his sister about the dream and she tells him "that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise." Isn't the the truth. A hard one, but truth all the same.
It seems in the midst of our loss there are many hard choices still to be made every day. I guess I thought our hard decision making was over after Josie's death, but I see that decisions, or rather choices, must be made daily in order to still live a joyful, vibrant life. These choices (to get out of bed and live with a purpose, for example) are so important even though they require a lot of pain, numbness, and waiting. Allowing the so called darkness to wash over me and to not be afraid of it isn't easy, but it feels productive.
My darkness isn't so dark anymore, at least no lately. I'm almost afraid to say that since grief has proven to have a mind of its own. You never know what's coming next. But, I can say that my heart is lighter and can feel the blessing of Josie more now, instead of just the heavy, sorrowful loss of her. I think I've said it before, but I'm so grateful for that. Sweet memories instead of harsh realities. I'll take it.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The 2009 Walk and Rock!
If you've been wondering what the little widget to your right is all about, here's your answer. Our family (and some friends) have formed a team (Team Josie!) to participate in this year's annual Walk and Rock presented by The TEARS Foundation.
But.....what is it?:
"Walk &Rock is a community fundraising event where individuals form teams and collect pledges to "Walk" at Safeco Field (where the Seattle Mariners play) and to "Rock" in rocking chairs placed between 1st and 2nd base and homeplate. All monies raised go to The TEARS Foundation, to provide support to bereaved families who have lost an infant by assisting them with funeral expenses and emotional support."
When? Where?:
Saturday, June 27th at Safeco Field in Seattle, WA
10a.m.-4p.m.
Why?:
"When you walk, you give hope and support to families in our community who have lost a baby. The money raised will lift a financial and emotional burden from newly bereaved parents by supporting programs through The TEARS foundation."
Who does The TEARS foundation help?:
"There are nearly 900 infant deaths in Washington State each year. TEARS lifts a financial burden from newly bereaved families by providing financial assistance to help pay for their babies' funeral expenses. TEARS also offers free ongoing emotional support in the form of support groups, online support and bereavement resources."
The TEARS foundation assisted us in covering the cost of Josie's memorial, along with some keepsakes that we will forever cherish, and for that we are grateful. We want to be a part of helping other's in this way. Giving back, and being a part of this event, is the best way we can see to do this.
Interested?:
If you are interested in supporting our team, or joining us to walk in Josie's honor, along with honoring other families, you're in luck! I've created a fundraising page for just such interest : ). Just click on the widget and it'll take you straight to our page where you can either make a donation (aka pledge), or join our team. If you're interested in joining our team, there's a registration fee of $10 to cover the cost of your Team Josie T-shirt. From there you can raise money via your friends and family for The TEARS foundation, or you can just make your own pledge. If you cannot make the event, you can make donations via the website by clicking the "donate" button, or you can mail donations to us, here at home (checks should be made out to The TEARS Foundation).
For more information about the event, or The TEARS Foundation, please go to www.thetearsfoundation.org and click on News & Events.
Please feel free to ask questions. I'll do my best to find the answers : ).
We are so excited to be doing this on behalf of our sweet Josie, as well as other families who have, or who will, experience a loss such as ours.
But.....what is it?:
"Walk &Rock is a community fundraising event where individuals form teams and collect pledges to "Walk" at Safeco Field (where the Seattle Mariners play) and to "Rock" in rocking chairs placed between 1st and 2nd base and homeplate. All monies raised go to The TEARS Foundation, to provide support to bereaved families who have lost an infant by assisting them with funeral expenses and emotional support."
When? Where?:
Saturday, June 27th at Safeco Field in Seattle, WA
10a.m.-4p.m.
Why?:
"When you walk, you give hope and support to families in our community who have lost a baby. The money raised will lift a financial and emotional burden from newly bereaved parents by supporting programs through The TEARS foundation."
Who does The TEARS foundation help?:
"There are nearly 900 infant deaths in Washington State each year. TEARS lifts a financial burden from newly bereaved families by providing financial assistance to help pay for their babies' funeral expenses. TEARS also offers free ongoing emotional support in the form of support groups, online support and bereavement resources."
The TEARS foundation assisted us in covering the cost of Josie's memorial, along with some keepsakes that we will forever cherish, and for that we are grateful. We want to be a part of helping other's in this way. Giving back, and being a part of this event, is the best way we can see to do this.
Interested?:
If you are interested in supporting our team, or joining us to walk in Josie's honor, along with honoring other families, you're in luck! I've created a fundraising page for just such interest : ). Just click on the widget and it'll take you straight to our page where you can either make a donation (aka pledge), or join our team. If you're interested in joining our team, there's a registration fee of $10 to cover the cost of your Team Josie T-shirt. From there you can raise money via your friends and family for The TEARS foundation, or you can just make your own pledge. If you cannot make the event, you can make donations via the website by clicking the "donate" button, or you can mail donations to us, here at home (checks should be made out to The TEARS Foundation).
For more information about the event, or The TEARS Foundation, please go to www.thetearsfoundation.org and click on News & Events.
Please feel free to ask questions. I'll do my best to find the answers : ).
We are so excited to be doing this on behalf of our sweet Josie, as well as other families who have, or who will, experience a loss such as ours.
Monday, March 9, 2009
UPDATE(S)
Lots has gone on in the McLeod house over the past week or so. So, in a nutshell, here's what we've been up to:
At the end of February, Brett's team played for one more chance to go to the 4A state tournament. Sadly, they lost that game and finished 4th in our District. They did so well. And along with many seemingly unfortunate events throughout the season, we are able to see some pretty cool grace God showered on both Brett and the girls this year. Although it's always a heart break to not make it to the state tournament, so much work and dedication, but looking back, I think all involved can feel pretty proud of this season.
We've been pretty happy around here, to say the least, to have Brett back, all to ourselves. The kids have been crazy with the "rock star eyes" over daddy since they know he is ready and willing for whatever, as soon as he walks through the door. Like I love to say, "if you want to feel like a rock star, just have kids". With all the cheers and shouts of "MOMMY!" or "DADDY!", it'll leave you wanting to reach for the mic every time.
This past Friday Brett and I played in the annual students VS staff basketball game. I'm not technically staff, but I got asked to play....?? It was so fun! The ladies got creamed though, since most of the female students playing were from Brett's team. It was fun to play against them, but totally not fair!! In the end, the students won (it's only the second time that's happened, oops). But, I out scored my husband for the first (and most likely the last) time in my life!!! I must admit, I was VERY sore the next day. Worth it? YES!!!
Saturday Brett and I got to go into Seattle for a friends 40th birthday party. We had a great time! It was nice to get away, stay in a hotel, hang out with friends. The time away also gave Brett and I a chance to re-connect after basketball season. We always need time for this after the season since pretty much everything gets put on hold in order to focus on the team. I'm so glad we were able to go, and the kids had a blast with Brett's dad. Fun times had by all!!
Speaking of Helga....I know we weren't, but let's. She's pretty much running the joint around here. Pretty soon I'm going to have to give her a nicer name since she's not so "ugly" anymore (I'm still not a fan of the hair though). In fact, she's doing better than I am, which is why I'm letting her take over : ). Seriously, the person I've become, am still becoming (like, try for forever...), is better I think, I hope. It's so amazing, the promise God makes us. He doesn't make bad things happen, but they do, and when they do, He promises to use it. Refiners fire baby. Sometimes you find yourself thrown in. He always rescues, He always heals, He always leaves us better, more like Him. Don't get me wrong, I hate what happened to us, and I still think I'm the best person for the job of taking care of Josie. I'm her mommy!! But, I'm able to see that the sun's coming up.
Yesterday was the 8th. Josie would have been 5 months old. I can't believe it's been 5 months. As always, I wonder what she'd look like today? I wonder what she'd be doing at 5 months old? I wonder what her little voice would sound like? We all miss her so much. But, today, her memory brings me great joy and sweetness. I am so grateful for that!
Well, that's it, our nutshell for now.
At the end of February, Brett's team played for one more chance to go to the 4A state tournament. Sadly, they lost that game and finished 4th in our District. They did so well. And along with many seemingly unfortunate events throughout the season, we are able to see some pretty cool grace God showered on both Brett and the girls this year. Although it's always a heart break to not make it to the state tournament, so much work and dedication, but looking back, I think all involved can feel pretty proud of this season.
We've been pretty happy around here, to say the least, to have Brett back, all to ourselves. The kids have been crazy with the "rock star eyes" over daddy since they know he is ready and willing for whatever, as soon as he walks through the door. Like I love to say, "if you want to feel like a rock star, just have kids". With all the cheers and shouts of "MOMMY!" or "DADDY!", it'll leave you wanting to reach for the mic every time.
This past Friday Brett and I played in the annual students VS staff basketball game. I'm not technically staff, but I got asked to play....?? It was so fun! The ladies got creamed though, since most of the female students playing were from Brett's team. It was fun to play against them, but totally not fair!! In the end, the students won (it's only the second time that's happened, oops). But, I out scored my husband for the first (and most likely the last) time in my life!!! I must admit, I was VERY sore the next day. Worth it? YES!!!
Saturday Brett and I got to go into Seattle for a friends 40th birthday party. We had a great time! It was nice to get away, stay in a hotel, hang out with friends. The time away also gave Brett and I a chance to re-connect after basketball season. We always need time for this after the season since pretty much everything gets put on hold in order to focus on the team. I'm so glad we were able to go, and the kids had a blast with Brett's dad. Fun times had by all!!
Speaking of Helga....I know we weren't, but let's. She's pretty much running the joint around here. Pretty soon I'm going to have to give her a nicer name since she's not so "ugly" anymore (I'm still not a fan of the hair though). In fact, she's doing better than I am, which is why I'm letting her take over : ). Seriously, the person I've become, am still becoming (like, try for forever...), is better I think, I hope. It's so amazing, the promise God makes us. He doesn't make bad things happen, but they do, and when they do, He promises to use it. Refiners fire baby. Sometimes you find yourself thrown in. He always rescues, He always heals, He always leaves us better, more like Him. Don't get me wrong, I hate what happened to us, and I still think I'm the best person for the job of taking care of Josie. I'm her mommy!! But, I'm able to see that the sun's coming up.
Yesterday was the 8th. Josie would have been 5 months old. I can't believe it's been 5 months. As always, I wonder what she'd look like today? I wonder what she'd be doing at 5 months old? I wonder what her little voice would sound like? We all miss her so much. But, today, her memory brings me great joy and sweetness. I am so grateful for that!
Well, that's it, our nutshell for now.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thank You
I just wanted to say thanks for all the prayers and love you've all been sending. I'm feeling better and have been able to face our sweet Lord again. I think with all the anger, that I often view as pretty ugly, I was trying to hide it from our Jesus. I know that seems silly because "hiding" is impossible and because I also know He can take it, whatever "it" may be. I guess I was just feeling some shame about it too.
But, alas, your prayers have helped me crawl back into His lap. Thank you.
And thank you Jesus for sending me people who are helping me realize that I am OK, no matter how crazy I feel.
But, alas, your prayers have helped me crawl back into His lap. Thank you.
And thank you Jesus for sending me people who are helping me realize that I am OK, no matter how crazy I feel.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
ARGH!!!!
I am not doing well. And it's not just today. It's been week now. I'm struggling with all this, and I just feel like I can't get it together. It's not that I think I need to be totally all back together either. I feel I have the grace for myself to not be whole at this point. That it's OK to not be totally with it. But, how I'm functioning is NOT working for me at all.
As I have mentioned before, this is a busy time of year for me anyway due to the busy time of year that it is for Brett. I'm OK with that. But, I am not OK with the up and down I'm feeling and the anger that I feel is hindering me as a person. What's more, when I'm feeling angry, it's not like I'm thinking of our loss of Josie. I don't know what I'm angry about, but nothing I'm doing is giving me relief from it....
I know I need to allow the Lord to help me get all this out. That I need to allow Him to heal me. But, I don't feel like I can get quiet enough or still enough to allow Him to do anything at this point. I try, and I desire to get to that point, but I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels here, or like I'm stuck in a box that is the same in every corner, yet I rush from corner to corner looking for a new way out, like there's something new to see with each bolt of energy. It's making me feel, and probably appear, pretty crazy. "McLeod party of one, your padded room is ready for you. Let me help you with your robe, don't mind the buckles....oh, no it's not on backwards, it's supposed to fit like that. It'll feel pretty snug too. " ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Again, I understand that I'm going to feel grief and sadness. But how do I function in that when I am bombarded with other emotions that I don't want tainting the sweetness of Josie's life? I don't mind feeling sad, and missing her. That all makes sense to me. I'm her mommy. But I have to get away from all the other ick that seems to be coming along with these emotions because I do not like who I am in the midst of them, and I cannot honor her life and this family with all that in the way.
Please pray for me. I don't have the exact prayer that I need, but I trust you all will see what it is. I am so grateful for all who are loving me through this because I don't feel very lovable. And I am grateful for all who have gone before me and are willing to share. It really does help. Thank you.
As I have mentioned before, this is a busy time of year for me anyway due to the busy time of year that it is for Brett. I'm OK with that. But, I am not OK with the up and down I'm feeling and the anger that I feel is hindering me as a person. What's more, when I'm feeling angry, it's not like I'm thinking of our loss of Josie. I don't know what I'm angry about, but nothing I'm doing is giving me relief from it....
I know I need to allow the Lord to help me get all this out. That I need to allow Him to heal me. But, I don't feel like I can get quiet enough or still enough to allow Him to do anything at this point. I try, and I desire to get to that point, but I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels here, or like I'm stuck in a box that is the same in every corner, yet I rush from corner to corner looking for a new way out, like there's something new to see with each bolt of energy. It's making me feel, and probably appear, pretty crazy. "McLeod party of one, your padded room is ready for you. Let me help you with your robe, don't mind the buckles....oh, no it's not on backwards, it's supposed to fit like that. It'll feel pretty snug too. " ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Again, I understand that I'm going to feel grief and sadness. But how do I function in that when I am bombarded with other emotions that I don't want tainting the sweetness of Josie's life? I don't mind feeling sad, and missing her. That all makes sense to me. I'm her mommy. But I have to get away from all the other ick that seems to be coming along with these emotions because I do not like who I am in the midst of them, and I cannot honor her life and this family with all that in the way.
Please pray for me. I don't have the exact prayer that I need, but I trust you all will see what it is. I am so grateful for all who are loving me through this because I don't feel very lovable. And I am grateful for all who have gone before me and are willing to share. It really does help. Thank you.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day 2008
So, here it is, 2009. It's Valentine's Day. All I can think about is last year.....
Last year on Valentine's Day I remember that I was all upset because I "knew" I was pregnant but hadn't yet gotten a positive test. I remember that this made me really mad because I though it would be just so perfect to celebrate this day with the knowledge that we were going to have our third child. It turns out that I was indeed pregnant with our sweet Josie but it wasn't "official" until five days later.
I gotta admit, I'm a little worried here. This is just one memory. A vivid one, but a pretty tiny one in the grand scheme of Josie's story. I've been fighting back tears all day thinking it's just silly to cry over this. But I cry just the same. Is it going to be like this? Is every step of the way from this time last year, going to be this hard? Harder? Is this just the beginning?? "I'd like to sit the bench for this coach." Where's Helga when I need her??
Last year on Valentine's Day I remember that I was all upset because I "knew" I was pregnant but hadn't yet gotten a positive test. I remember that this made me really mad because I though it would be just so perfect to celebrate this day with the knowledge that we were going to have our third child. It turns out that I was indeed pregnant with our sweet Josie but it wasn't "official" until five days later.
I gotta admit, I'm a little worried here. This is just one memory. A vivid one, but a pretty tiny one in the grand scheme of Josie's story. I've been fighting back tears all day thinking it's just silly to cry over this. But I cry just the same. Is it going to be like this? Is every step of the way from this time last year, going to be this hard? Harder? Is this just the beginning?? "I'd like to sit the bench for this coach." Where's Helga when I need her??
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